Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Day 101 of Dukan Diet:

A friend of mine said "My resolve is wearing thin." This has stuck with me in my head ever since she said it.. it was how I was feeling but couldn't put it in words.

When I was growing up, I was taught to do things the best you could every time. When I did that and it was not up to his standard.. I was made to do it again from beginning to end till it passed his judgement and scrutiny. Don't worry .. this is not a parent bashing. I love my dad. He did the best he knew how at the time. I don't hold that against him. However, those feelings of judgement, scrutiny, and never measuring up sure do stick with you..even when you truly let those things go. As I reflect tonight I realize this is part of my struggle. I "cheated" and now I just feel like a failure, like all I have done is for nothing. I know this is not true and just a feeling.
Chris, when I think about fathers I automatically think of you. You probably have no idea but I "study" your parenting.. because I am in awe of it to a degree.. What is in the heart will come out in conversation and you always talk about Michelle, your children, and work.. which lets me know where your heart it. I know I have never met you or Michelle but I admire your family. I think you are a great balance of rules, fun, priorities and consequences. Thanks for the example :)
I am also "depressed" because, no matter how bad a marriage was.. there is real sadness with divorce, especially when children are involved. It is very hard to let your children go every other weekend and for weekly vacations. I miss my children so deeply when they are not here. I absolutely am happy for them to spend time with their dad (it's so important for them and him) I am thrilled they are having a great time and enjoying family time with their sibling and stepmom. I just miss them and don't feel like myself when they are not with me. Before this is misinterpreted. I am in a very happy marriage to a wonderful man.. and my ex-husband is in a great marriage with a wonderful woman. I am just merely stating that divorce is not easy for anyone and especially children.
I guess my point with all this is ... feelings... Feelings...are just feelings... now I will look at truth:

The truth is.. I have worked hard. I have changed many things for the betterment (is that a word) of myself, which in turn is better not only for me but for my family and friends who love me.
The truth is.. They do love me.. whether I am fat or skinny. But, they love me enough to want me to be healthy. (thank you Kare Bear)
The truth is.. I have an amazing husband.. He is so sweet and loving and kind. He will love me no matter what.
The truth is.. This is now the mental part (which obviously I need strength training in!) It is so easy to turn to food for fulfillment. I will put my trust in God as my only source of fulfillment and satisfaction. (thank you Mel :)
The truth is.. this is hard.. but I am as strong as I allow myself to be.

My resolve is to quit wallowing in self pity. My resolve is to get back on track and whoop this fat. I am the one who made myself fat.. and I am the one responsible to take it off..

Today's weight: 146.6 lbs                        Total weight down:  44 lbs.

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